Naturist Porcupine Discouragement Methodology

Lessons in porcupine combat from the Vermont woods.

My wife Jackie and I have been living off-grid again, deep in the Vermont woods by way of a four-wheel-drive-only muck challenge aggravated by unprecedented deluges of rain. The house is unfinished and still a bit rough, but is nestled in a tranquil escape. Owls exchange calls near the house; deer and bear range through, and porcupines chew plywood and beams on the front porch.

(My instrument of choice — and at hand — to discourage a porcupine. Those quills have barbed points, like fishhooks…)

We weren’t living in the house for a while, and the red squirrels and porcupines decided it was a fair haven. The squirrels disappeared as soon as we returned. But the porcupine visits were regular. Since not everyone is familiar with these creatures, and since my recent close encounters with two of them were rather, shall we say, intimate, I here relate my run-ins with the waddling pin cushions.

I should preface this story by explaining that I find porcupines to be fascinating creatures, and very docile. I don’t want to kill them if I can avoid it, but they cause a lot of damage and must be discouraged.

To fully tell the story, I suppose I should (reluctantly) explain that I sleep unclothed. Chasing a porcupine au naturale is definitely a more graphic and factually accurate story to tell.